I don't really know how to explain it, or how to even describe it. This evening, while watching Eat, Pray, Love, I was overcome with so many emotions that are making me realize that I'm not the person who I truly want to be. Right now, you will see a happy, outgoing, and courageous kid, which to be honest, sounds pretty amazing. Now though, it's not me, it's not the "Kevin" that I want to be.
Do I know exactly what I want? Hell no, does anybody? I'm just trying to find out what I need, what I want. I'm tired of living the dull life of a "child". I'm 20 years old, and I need to figure out some of the main focal points in my life.
To start off with, my health. If you would have asked me about three-four years ago if I was happy with how I looked, I would have laughed at you and told you yes. I wanted to be the first 5XL plus size male model. Did it happen? No. Now that I look back on it, it was funny, a "haha" moment in my life. I was *insert snapping fingers* Kevin, motha fucking VanMatre. I was happy.
Now, I look in the mirror, and see a bulging figure that I don't like. I see rolls of fat that I hate, that have kept me from doing a lot of things in my life. I see a second chin that I hate when I take photographs of myself, because the other person in the picture doesn't have it.
I hate it when I'm at a public pool, and I take off my shirt. I hate seeing how others react to me. I hate the stares I get when I'm going off the diving board, it's like, "Hey fatty, don't break it!" And don't say, oh I never do those things, I never judge, because trust me, we all have. We all judge the people around us, because of their skin, their weight, their ANYTHING, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of judging people by the way they look.
So I have come up with an agreement with myself. One that I thought long and hard about. One that will change my life forever. I have decided that I need to get on the right path, and lose some weight. I know I have said this before, and I will say it every time. I won't stop, I won't give in. But it's easier said than done. This time, I have the patience to stick with it.
So what's the amount of weight that I want to lose? 100. 100 pounds that I'm carrying on my body, that weighs me down everywhere I go. If I do this? Then I'm flying over to Europe for 6 months. Or less, whatever I can afford financially. I have always wanted to do this, and I think that if I can work my ass off and lose 100 pounds, then I can do anything that I want.
As of right now, this is all that I'm working on. I have a few things in mind that I WANT to work on, but me being a healthier person is my main priority. Wish me luck :)